Redemption On My Part

Honest and genuine.
Behavior problems are the attempts to convert.
That's not their aim.
Countless fawning to psychadelic expectations.

My life, fighting for liberation.
A practice of faith.
The second coming helps straighten
out the future prophet.

It wasn't always so zen.
The crippling car accident.
A heart attack.
Serene words for someone shrouded in hype.

I'm an artist.
Compulsively coverting the many wrongs
that I've done.
My first image, a soldier at heart.

It's a crime to the canvas to
paint the same picture over and over.
Come as you are.
It's all good now.

this is everywhere. its a mess. we are all a mess. we are all weak. none of us are strong. too many things aren't thought through. most of the time we lack seriousness.

but it's the way we are, and there isn't anything we can do.

but here we are trying to perfect it. everything. to the best of our abilities. nothing natural is accepted anymore, is it.

i'm not sure how to get ideas out anymore, it has been too long. but i am going to try and write everyday. i need this more than ever.

i've never realized how people can change in the blink of an eye. until now. to me it seems how life is pushing me and pulling in hundreds of different directions everyday, which affect my feelings like a gunshot.

& i cant write anymore. writers block.

so many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiaive to change their situation becasue they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit as his passion for adventure. the joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.


if we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, then all possibility ofl ife is destroyed.

some people don't feel they deserve love. they walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps of the past.

the core of man's spirit comes from new experiences.

rather than love, than faith, than fame, than fairness, give me truth.

happiness is only real when shared.

it is important in life not necessarily to be strong but to feel strong.

for six days i will be upnorth- where i belong.  time to reflect, get away, and forget about everything going on here. as time goes on, i need to get away more and more often and its even better because this is a vaction along with a getaway. i will be writing up there, and i always say that; but this time i will. i feel like it will inspire me and i will be able to find things to write about as well document. when i get back i may or may not blog all of what i thought and wrote down, but i will put something and i'll really think it through. so cheers so to lake, the dunes, and the summer sun.

  progress can be slow,right? it's better than rushing into things. i guess the fact of the matter is waiting may take awhile but you get so much out of it. you prove to yourself how strong you are, you learn new things talking to that one person who opens your eyes and who you share things with. your secrets, stories, laughs, and moments.

    this may sound really weird-but spending a whole entire weekend with a baseball team made me discover and realize things i haven't yet known. given the time to get away from everything, i basically forgot about my life; i'm not even kidding. so the whole time i spent was watching baseballl, eating, worrying about the rain, and being made fun of by the team (although i really enjoyed the entertainment i was supplying for them;). two hours away from home, surrounded by guys, made me think about my lifestyle and what i want in the future. i want to live in a small ish town where i'm not afraid to be, i'm comfortable with everyone there, and most importantly- myself. i also thought about where the team will be and how it is going to change. i just can't see my brother playing with any better kids; but then again its gotten to here which i was doubting from the start with our old team. okay, so this post proves nothing and it is horrible but i just wanted to make the point that the baseball lifestyle is WAY more than okay for me, i don't want it to change, although i know it will.; and most importantly- you can see the simplest things by talking to people you never think you would. 

    i never knew that you can pickup where you left off. it doesn't sound so simple, when someone walks out of your life and they come back in again; but sometimes its easier to just reminisce on the memories you shared together. the laughs, experiences, and what went wrong- the truth of it all comes out and is thrown in the open to sort through and ponder about. and the best part is that you can't change what has happened, the only explanation is that you keep moving forward to see what happens.
    now i don't regret anything i said, well maybe i do; i'm not quite sure. but i can honestly conclude that the past is effected onto more than one person-being yourself. today i watched my family catchup with my old bestfriend, and her do the same with them. it was good to see people get along, especially people i care about and never want to see hurt me again.

i never thought or truly believed that you follow that light at the end of the road. finally i've reached that breaking point in which i've completely strayed off the path that i've been following and i have no idea what to do. things are being thrown at me, and waves are crashing all around me. i can't see right from wrong anymore, and i have no idea how to fix anything. i'd like to think that the person who is there for me most didn't make me cry for 2 hours yesterday but it happened. but i keep messing up and all i want is for her to accept that and the fact that things change and we have to make do with what we have now. but as the lawnmower sounds run through me, and the smell of cupcakes floats into my head, i can't deal with it today.